Hospital – DAY 1

by Reema on July 25, 2005

in Epilepsy

Journey begins

It was a gloomy morning and the rain touched my face like a soft caress, what a beautiful farewell for me. We drove in silence as my mind raced into many thoughts, I was lost in my world of dread and pain. We entered the hospital, my husband holding my hand and whispering to me words of comfort and love, I always knew he’d be there for me, I looked at my father and saw him smile, a smile that hid the sadness and pain for his daughter, I could see in his eyes how he wished things could be different, but it was out of his hands, how I hated hospitals.

The Throne

A woman dressed in white, an angel of mercy, took me to my hospital room, my confinement that held a watchful eye taping my every movement, she introduced herself as my nurse and gave me that fake smile which I’m sure she had given a thousand times. We waited until another angel came offering me a throne to sit on, I was wheeled into another small musky windowless room that seemed like a torture chamber with it’s wires, needles and tubes, and in the middle of this room was another throne, it was large and old and it’s fading colors told me stories of past kings and queens that had gone mad and disappeared into the mist. Now it’s my turn I am the new queen, I sat down as the angel of mercy instructed me of what will be done, I simply nodded for I didn’t care. She proceeded in measuring my head then parted my wet hair and starting gluing tiny colorful snake-like wires on my scalp, I didn’t flinch or cry nor did I let the fumes of the glue suffocate me or burn my eyes, I just sat there, a damned queen on her tortuous throne. The sands of time slowly running through my hands as I began to transform from a queen to a hideous medusa, snake like wires wildly attached to my head, they are part of me now, they know and record my inner secrets, my thoughts were invaded by doctors that thirst to unlock the mystery of the human mind and still I did not cry. The angel of mercy warned me not to drop the black bag that held within it my recording invader again I simply nodded as I gently carried the invader in my arms, I could sense it recording every action i made, my brain is working for them now passing all what I hid.

In Their Eyes

I was taken back to my confinement and I wished I didn’t go there, the look on my father’s face as he saw what had become of his daughter was heartbreaking, how could any father see his daughter going through such experiments and tests because of some disorder called epilepsy! God knows I never complained, I accepted what I had from the beginning but to a parent the feelings were different, my father smiled and even made a few jokes about how I looked. As I saw the love and strength in my father and my husband I knew I was safe. Just as the nurse was about to leave the room she paused for a moment and stared at me as I gently hugged the small bag near my heart as if it was a child, she came back to my side and put her hand on my shoulder and smiled, but this smile was not like the rest, it was different, it was a smile of pity, she pitted me and I hated her for it.

The Waiting

Now I wait for the seizure to come, that monstrous evil thing that hides within me, it is awakened when I sleep, cowardly showing it’s strength when I’m at my weakest, the doctor stopped my medication which acted as it’s cage locking it and keeping me safe, but not tonight, they wanted it to emerge and show it’s hate and screams, the watchful eye in my room also waited eagerly to catch it on tape and see what would it do once it was freed. How I dreaded this, I fear sleeping and time was against me.

The remainder of the day was spent drifting in and out of the world of dreams as my father sat on his chair at the corner of the room watching over me. My privacy was taken from me, every move the eye watched and recorded, every wire on my head sent signals, never had I felt so exposed, so weak and fragile, so pitted, so alone. As the sun sets so does my father, he kissed me and promised to come tomorrow, and now I’m alone in this small room no one to talk to, I already miss my DH, I miss his words of love, his arms holding me protectively in the night, his smile, his voice, truly I can’t wait to see him tomorrow.

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